Man Suddenly Smitten With Woman He's Known for Years - Dear Abby (2024)

For some reason, over the past four months, my feelings for Kendra have grown into an infatuation. I mean, I have always loved her, but now I wish I was with her. I want to be with her. My feelings are so strong, I would even marry her. I know she loves me, but I doubt in the way I love her now.

I don't want to destroy what we have, but it's killing me that I can't be with her. I have jealous feelings like a kid. I love her very much and would never do anything to hurt her. I guess I'm just a stupid old man thinking this way, but I can't help it. I can honestly say I'm in love with her. I am confused about what I need to do. -- LOVING HER IN THE EAST

DEAR LOVING: What happened four months ago that changed your feelings about Kendra from the paternal ones you have felt for the last 32 years? If you express to her the (lustful) feelings you are harboring, you will blow the entire family apart. An appropriate place to examine your feelings would be in the office of a licensed psychotherapist. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jake," tells his mother where we plan to go and what we plan to do on our "date nights." On several occasions, she has actually shown up. She pretends to be surprised when she sees us, asking us "what we're up to." She doesn't try to sit with us or hang around, thank goodness, but she's there, watching and listening from a short distance. She has never liked me, and I suspect this is another of her passive-aggressive ways to get under my skin.

Our date nights are an active effort to try to save our marriage. The first time she showed up, I told Jake I didn't like it and that it better not happen again. He assured me it wouldn't. I also asked him to stop telling her where we're going and what we're going to do. He hasn't done that. He says he "can't" tell his mother to leave because it's a public place, and she has every right to be there, too. What should I do? -- HAD IT IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HAD IT: If you and Jake are serious about saving your marriage and not yet in marriage counseling, start talking with a licensed marriage and family therapist now. Jake appears to be a man who can't say no to his mother. Your MIL does have a right to patronize any restaurant she pleases, but she should not be hovering over your shoulders. A therapist may be able to help you get that message across to your husband, whose priorities appear to be skewed.

In the meantime, YOU should take charge of your date nights. Make the reservations and tell no one where you are going -- even your husband.

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my husband of 26 years had a stroke, and his personality changed. He was difficult to deal with, but, with time, his old personality came back, and things got better.

Two years ago, he finally kicked a longtime prescription drug habit. Our finances improved almost overnight (for which I am grateful), but his personality changed again. This change has been neither pleasant nor easy to deal with. Some days, he gets angry with me for talking to him about even the simplest things, like traffic or the weather.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't want him to go back to abusing drugs, but I want my best friend back. For at least a year now, I've been begging him to go to marriage counseling with me. He says he will but has put no effort into finding a counselor. He grew up in the small town we live in, so I want him to choose the counselor because I may accidentally choose someone he knows and doesn't want to talk to.

I'm afraid he will never make an appointment, so should I just find a counselor for myself? I don't want to throw away 26 years of marriage, but some days, all I think about is running away. -- SADDENED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR SADDENED: I don't know what could be the cause of your husband's anger, and neither will you until you get to the bottom of it. Do not allow the fact that he is stalling prevent you from consulting a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Compile a list of counseling services not only in your town but also some neighboring communities. Once you have the names, show the list to your husband and ask if he knows any of them. Then make an appointment for both of you with one or more therapists and interview them. If he refuses to accompany you, go on your own.

DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, my husband replaced the key entry lock on the front door of our house with a digital one. Ever since, the door does not latch when you go in or out. (It "bounces" and doesn't catch.) I've told him it needs to be fixed, but he insists I need to "just pull it." Abby, this door always latched before. Workers come in and out of the house, and I'm very concerned.

My husband is fighting me tooth and nail on this for some odd reason, and I'm ready to leave him. I told him I will get the door fixed (on his credit card) if he doesn't do it. He still refuses. I'm done! I want a secure front door. What the hell is wrong here? We've been married 40 years. Do you recommend a divorce attorney? -- UNSAFE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNSAFE: I do not recommend a divorce attorney. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. Stop fighting with your husband, become proactive and get the darn door fixed. Because he won't help, remember the adage, "If you want something done right, do it yourself," then step forward and take charge.

DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling to continue my relationship with my dad, who is in his 80s. He recently became very ill and nearly died. He was unable to walk for several months, and when he was finally able to start getting around, it was with a wheelchair and walker. Dad started driving his truck, although my brother and I strongly suggested it wasn't safe for him. He wasn't even able to get into the truck without assistance.

A little history: Our mother was killed in a car accident when I was 14 and my brother was 18. She was hit by an elderly gentleman whose family admitted he shouldn't have been driving.

So here's the conflict: We have pleaded with Dad not to drive and endanger the lives of everyone on the road, including his own. Our stepmom refuses to take away the keys and even encourages him to drive despite the fact that we have asked them repeatedly to stop. He says he won't have a wreck and it's safe.

This is so hurtful. He continues to be selfish and completely ignores the fact that our mother died because of someone like him. What should I do? I know Dad doesn't have much time left, but I'm struggling to keep our relationship going. -- FED-UP DAUGHTER IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your father's desire for independence may be stronger than his reason. If he needs assistance getting into his truck, who is there to help him when it's time to exit the vehicle? Does his doctor think it is safe for him to be driving? Consider posing this question to his doctor in writing.

You and your brother might also consider informing the police in your community that, because of his disability, you are afraid your father may pose a danger on the road. Because he refuses to listen, that's all you and your brother can do.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my best friend, "Stuart," found a new partner of the same gender. I'm happy he found someone with whom he has a deep connection and I admire his confidence in coming out. However, it has taken a toll on our friendship. When Stuart and I hang out, he brings his partner along. I usually wouldn't mind having more people along, but Stuart and his partner are often intimate around me in public. I have expressed my discomfort and asked him to maintain some decorum and relationship boundaries, but he continues to act inappropriately.

I don't want to lose my friendship with him, but if he chooses his partner over me every single time, I see no other option. What should I do? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: What do you mean by "intimate"? Are you describing handholding? Hugging? A quick peck on the cheek or lips? Or passionate embraces and expressions of affection usually confined to the bedroom? If it's the latter, express your discomfort to Stuart again, or see them only in a less public setting.